Kate (mulanreflection) wrote in beat_of_destiny,

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Title: Numb
Theme + Number: Theme #96 (Death).
Genres: Angst.
Warnings: Yaoi. POV. Cursing. Deathfic.
Characters/Pairings: Chang Wufei X Duo Maxwell
Word Count: 772
Rating: PG-13ish. (Mostly just for cursing.)
Summary: Again, I state this is a deathfic. A character DIES! If you don’t want to read about a character DYING then please don’t click on this. Anyway. x_x Again, I’m horrible at summaries. Are they really that necessary for this? But yeah, this is what happens when I can’t sleep and am in a really shitty mood, I write angst and deathfic and make Duo’s life suck. I’m a horrible person. Sorry.

Life’s a bitch and God’s a sadistic bastard. I’m not sure why but for some reason God just seems to love picking on me. What happened to the God Sister Helen taught me about? What happened to the unconditional love and forgiveness and all that shit? I guess God just can’t accept a dirty murdering street rat like me. He crossed a line though. This time God went too fucking far.

Yeah, I’m pissed off. Pissed at God, pissed at the world, pissed at myself… and even a small part of me is pissed off at you, ‘Fei. Why the fuck did you lie to me? No, I know the answer to that. You wanted to protect me, you wanted to keep me from hurting. It hurts either way, ‘Fei.

Do you have any idea how fucking scary it is to walk into the bathroom and find you kneeling among pill bottles on the floor coughing up blood? You should’ve just told me you were sick, not get all this medicine to try and hide it from me.

It all makes sense now, you know. I can’t believe I didn’t notice you were hiding something. All those times you went out, you were visiting a doctor, weren’t you? You covered it up so easily… making me think you were planning to do something for me, and I guess you did that at the same time. You’ve always been so damned sweet to me, sometimes I swear you’re going to rot my fucking teeth. I always loved it though. Now I see why you were going out of your way to try to give me the fucking world the past few months.

I don’t want the world though, ‘Fei, I only wanted you. You saved me from a dark place, Wufei. I was at the lowest point in my life but you were there to catch me because you were my best friend and because you loved me. I’ve always trusted you to watch my back. I’ve always relied on you to catch me if I ever fell again.

Now I’m losing you. You’re not gonna be here for me anymore. What’s worse is I can’t fucking do anything about it. All I can do is sit here beside you and hold your hand. I can stare down at you, try not to think about how the deathly pallor doesn’t suit you, and silently will the machine monitoring your heartbeat not to stop. I can pray to that sadistic fucking bastard I call God not to take you from me. I can’t fucking do anything! I used to call myself Shinigami and I can’t even stop Death from taking away the one person I can’t bare to lose. You saved me from dying, why can’t I save you? Why can’t those motherfucking doctors save you?

“Duo… It’s gonna be ok.”

Oh god, you’re awake. I force back tears, I won’t let anyone see me cry. Not anyone. They can’t see me breakdown, I have pride, you know? When I look up into your eyes I almost lose it. I can see the light fading in them, I’ve looked into the eyes of dying men and women too many times I know the look so well by now. “No, it’s not. You know it’s not, ‘Fei.”

“You’ll be ok. I know you will. You’re strong.”

“Not strong enough to save you…”


“I can’t lose you.”

“You won’t. I’d never leave you, Duo. I love you.”

“…I love you, too…”

I always loved the way you told me you loved me. The way it sounded, the look in your eyes. Even now it’s the same. Your eyes are so full of love. I used to think I didn’t deserve it. You were the one that showed me unconditional love, not God. No matter what I know you’d always love me. I can see the worry in your eyes too, the fear. But of course it’s not for yourself. It’s for me. You know you’re not gonna be here to help me through this. You’re doing everything you can to comfort me now. It won’t be long now…

With one last ‘I love you’ you finally leave me. The heart monitor’s screaming but I can’t hear it. The doctor’s rush in and nurses force me to leave the room but I can’t hear or see them. I heard the time of your death announced…

I’m not breaking down. I thought I would be. I’m not even crying. I just feel cold and empty. It’s almost like my entire body has gone numb inside and out.

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